Are You Dating to Mate or Dating to Date?

Coaching women over 50 about dating, I’m often asked why dating has become so damn hard?

I believe it’s because dating has become an activity we endure versus one we enjoy.  We treat dating like we treat a job interview.  We exchange resumes.  We look the person up and down and in less than 10 minutes – the time it takes to drink a cup of coffee – we decide whether or not this person is our next spouse or committed partner.
What a pressure cooker this is…ultimately leaving us with the feeling there is no one out there to date.  Yet there are millions of men and women looking for partners daily, so what’s going on? Why can’t men and women find each other?

 

It’s simple. They are dating to mate versus dating to date.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve heard, “I just know whether he’s the one within the first three minutes of meeting him.”  There is no way this is possible.  You may know whether you’re initially attracted to him but that’s it.  And by the way, for women, attraction can grow over time when you get to really know a man even when it’s initially not present on a first date.   Using this philosophy, you can end up missing a lot of good, quality men.
Dating can be a lot of fun if you can switch to the idea of Dating to Date. This means go on dates with the only objective being having fun getting to know a new and interesting man.  We did this as kids when we hung out with our potential mates.  We didn’t sit around thinking, “Is he the one?”  We just enjoyed each other’s company and let it flow into the relationships we created.

When you Date to Date, you may not end up with a mate but you could end up with male friends who offer you companionship when you want it.  And you may, over time, fall for a man who has become your friend because the foundation for any relationship is friendship.
It could end up being the best relationship and one you’d have missed by making that quick three minute decision on your first date.

The other reason dating can make you so miserable is because often you don’t give men a chance unless they meet your standards of perfection.  I’ve heard so many women describe their ideal man as one who is fit, one who eats a certain way, and one who has a particular job.  A fit man may look good but it doesn’t mean he’ll make a good mate for you.  The guy with the belly could stand to loose a couple of pounds, yet he might be the guy who could light up your life every day and make you very happy if you’d give him a chance.

Instead of just using physical characteristics as the sole basis for finding someone, think about how you want to feel around a man because ultimately you want to feel happy inside when you’re with the one you finally choose. And that has nothing to do with how he exercises or eats. It has to do with how he treats you.